Graduation in June...wisdom teeth (removal of)...cell phone (with texting privileges)...and slowly learning how to drive. As Mum points out often with tears in her eyes, I'm growing up. *On a side note: my poor parents! They're taking it harder than I expected!* And you know what, this formerly-content-to-stay-in-my-bubble-girl, is coming to grips; enjoying many (not all!) of the privileges of getting older and becoming my own person. I'm enjoying these changes that this major transition time has brought. I'm not saying I'm perfectly content with this crazy thing called growing up, or fully embracing and loving independence (parts of me are) but the Lord has recently given me a joy in many of these changes. Our family and season of life right now is not perfect, many hard days have arisen because of circumstances in God's hands alone-but I find that if I embrace each new day (and it's mercies anew!) with joyful flexibility, clutching my Abba's hand His peace like a river attendeth my way...
I still struggle with what people think of me...but I wash dishes singing (*ahem!* loudly) off key and dancing to a Keith Urban song. *Please don't even try to imagine that scenario!* I ask the Lord to prepare me to be a help meet...and the next second I'm daydreaming about my wedding gown and flowers. I often neglect to make the time to play dolls with Anna, shrugging it off that I have more productive things to do...yet I've teared-up dressing my dolls with Anna, which really perplexes the poor girl! Poor Anna just doesn't get her oftentimes crazy, silly older sisters. I love solitude with a cup of something (cold or hot-always sweet) and a long novel (or a Civil War narrative)...I can also sing and laugh as loud as my friends while listening to a fun country song on the radio. I cannot wait to be someone's wife someday, bear children and love to glean insight from homeschooling mothers...but I still love being at home with my crazy family and being 'only' 17. I have a list of 8 qualities that 'He Must Be,' the basics of the kind of guy I want to marry...and I happen to think a few certain actors (certainly not the epitome of Godly men!) are very good-looking...in this century and the 20th. Gregory Peck, Josh Duhamel, Peter Lawford...okay, you get the picture.
I often complain about late night silliness and giggles with a superior yawn...but some of my fondest memories with my roommate and sister Sara, and friends, fall into that category. I am often too serious, too contemplative and quiet but when something is exciting or gets my dander up, my shouts can (apparently) raise the roof. My family also greatly helps in getting me out of these 'moods.' My school days are almost through and I can't wait to not have to log 180 days every year! At the same time I want to drag my feet when it comes to finishing those 180 days, writing papers and being taught by Mum. Of course I know I will and have always been taught by Mum, but my years of formal education sitting at the feet of Mum are almost through. It's late October-halfway through the 1st semester! How time flies! I still have moments of wanting to hide behind Mum but of late, going places (however few) by myself and knowing that not only, do I have a family name to represent, I have the Lord to represent and glorify! Those moments of independence have recently been relished once I 'get over myself.' I often mumble, I am my worst critic by far about so many silly things, I can't sing, I'm a perfectionist in many ways, I have spontaneous moments of random hilarity (just ask my family-then again...) I love to passionately discourse about music, old movies, the Civil War, generational vision, and I sigh at all the sappy parts in chick-flicks!
Do I look forward to a future of independence with eagerness and impatience? No. Am I holding onto my protective shell with white knuckles? By God's grace, no. I let it go and leave it there. I look forward to the future after graduation; I am still able to live and be taught (not formally) at home and new opportunities, changes and seasons seem to be definitely around the horizon. Changes and opportunities such as a job (hopefully), a trip or two, a driver's license and whatever else the Lord has in store for me. His grace is enough for every day, even if my noble plans to serve (which are deep-down, rooted in pride) are tossed aside and I'm turned topsy-turvy by what the Lord allows/brings into the day. I still have moments of being young at heart and indulge some whims and daydreams...and I'm no longer a child. I can't wait to look back years from now with dear family and friends, laugh until our stomachs hurt at all my silliness and awkward seasons, dwell on the sobering lessons the Lord taught me and difficult seasons only He led me through and in short, see the brilliant tapestry His hand has weaved.
...it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you're young at heart!
You can go to extremes with impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
And life gets more exciting with each passing day
And love is either in your heart, or on its way.
"Young at Heart" Frank Sinatra