Comparing Apples & Oranges

I love books.

My passion for books is varied, like a patchwork quilt, with the classic, new, well-loved favorites from my childhood, historical fiction from favorite authors, the antique...

The new books from favorite authors or a brand-new resource for research thrills me right down through my finger tips...and discovering beautiful antique gems in second-hand shops or musty antique shops make me smile like a kid in a candy shop.

Yesterday morning, I opened our mailbox to find a package for Mum. She's been ordering books quite frequently recently so I assumed this was just another resource to use for teaching the littles next year. She opened it and we were delightedly surprised to find it was NOT a curriculum/home-school book but the next book in a fabulous series by Jennifer Chiaverini: the Elm Creek Quilt Books.

Mum, Sara and I have all grown to love this series, filled with quilt lore, a brilliant fictional family weaved through out and a great group of women who run Elm Creek Quilt Manor, a quilting retreat center in Waterford, PA.

"Okay, who wants it first?" Mum asked, who already had a series started that she didn't want to stop.

Sara, who isn't quite as fond of historical fiction as Mum and I, passed. (I was surprised-she always gets the new books first!)

So I am now the happy reader of the latest book in this series: The Union Quilters.

I think it safe to say my favorite time period is the Civil War, (the Great Depression and World War Two are my other two favorite time periods) so when I opened this up and merely read the acknowledgment page, where the author listed a LOAD of resources she used for researching the Civil War Northern homefront, AND Pennsylvania regiments in the Civil War, I was quite elated!

Elated because I am in the process of writing a Civil War story (really, re-writing it since the first "draft" was completed between the ages of 9 and 12ish...DOESN'T COUNT!) and I could use all these fabulous resources for MY research. However, I finished the 1st chapter in this book with wide eyes blinking away sleep, slightly dazed and confused...a little deflated, initially, truth be told.

As I pulled the covers up to my chin, tired and ready to fall into sleep that took awhile in arriving, I thought to myself, "Why am I writing?"

Books by Cathy Marie Hake, Lynn Austin, Brock & Bodie Thoene, among others (these are just off the top of my head) are some of my favorites, and I always come away from them so inspired, amused, moved and...deflated.

I pay close attention and attempt to glean something not only from the wonderful stories, but from the character development, the plot twists, the authors varying writing styles and how they structured their novels.

Unavoidably, upon completing books by these authors and more, even if this is not my first reading, I compare my three yet-uncompleted novels, (bruised) apples, to these genius works of historical fiction, oranges.

I re-read the Prologue through Chapter 7 of my Great Depression novel, "God's Will," that is finished, but needs edited.

Badly!

I tend to be quite hard on myself-Mum, Sara and Gabrielle can attest to that!-in many areas of life; my appearance, 'talents,' works, etc.

Daily the Lord takes my focus off of my own "faults" and onto Him, His work in my life and that I can be confident ONLY through Him.

I love to write...always have from a very young age.

Stories, the occasional article and now this blog.

The Lord's given me a gift (not said loftily!) and only He knows what will ever come of it in the area of publishing!

But-it is not mine to gain praise, money or fame-it is a gift to use for the Lord. When I submit articles to different places, it's for Him-not for recognition.

If/when any of my stories get published, its for Him-not me.

Writing is a hard process; from the grammar, plot, historical accuracies, character devlopment...it is work!

Work that sometimes makes me tear my hair out in frustration, but I love it.

(Just don't come near me if I'm grimacing with my hands raking through my hair...I can't guarantee what would happen to you if you tried to say something.)

A Beautiful Mess

This year is a major transition year...much more painful than 8th grade to 9th grade transition was! There have been countless late-night talks with Mum...crying into my pillow some nights to the Lord...weary prayers lifted to His ears, searching ones that

just.

want.

to.

know!

I've felt like I may have taken two steps forward...and then five steps back when my sin issues of fear, doubt and the ever-present pride rear themselves up. I gain a little bit of confidence and feel like I'm ready to step out of my self-inflicted isolated little bubble...AND then I try and shrink back into the comfy bubble when fear of man, failing, messing up overwhelm my heart and mind.
(Luckily my loving parents love me enough to gently but firmly teach and pull me out of that bubble!)
I know this is not a new thing; ALL seniors in high-school, or in these difficult years of transition called late high-school/college go through these feelings.
I need to remember, with the help of a few good friends, that I'm not alone in this. I'm not the only one. I'm so glad I have my friends to talk, listen, and ALWAYS point my eyes off of myself with Scripture and back to the One who is doing a work in me.

Sometimes it feels that way when I internalize my fears, allow them to overwhelm instead of listening to the Voice of Truth and using the Sword of the Spirit; sometimes I act like everything is just peachy, and hesitate to let anybody else in sharing my heart....though I know all of my friends love me unconditionally and want to hear my fears and struggles!
I am inexplicably grateful for all my friends, those going through all these things with me, who have already gone ahead a little ways and can call back with fresh eyes, who are always so faithful to listen and speak truth to me to get my eyes off of myself, my imperfections and onto the Perfect, Faithful One who IS doing a mighty work in my heart.

"Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a great work in you, will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 1:6

One heart-sister, has and is still walking this road with me, uses the word-picture of a tapestry. Thousands of little strands of thread in a myriad of different colors, are all being used to weave together a beautiful picture by my Lord's gracious hands.
Sometimes He has to tug and pull, not tear, but to continue to weave the pattern.
Other times He weaves a gentle few rows on the tapestry with a light hand.
I have to remember, and be grateful for, that He is not finished with me yet.
That His grace is enough!
The most vibrant thread, the color of blood-His Son Jesus' blood- woven through out.

The back of a tapestry looks like a complete mess, and with our earthly eyes we can only see the back. We can think, "What was/is He thinking?!" or, "I am such a hopeless mess! I'll never overcome anything I set out to do!"
And we're right in the last instance-we can't overcome anything.

(What am I saying? I'm preaching to ME, here!)

I can't overcome anything. I can't step out of my comfort bubble with confidence in who I am alone apart from what the power of Christ IN ME can do and has done!
I can't 'grow up' into this new phase of life all on my own...and praise God He gives me new strength and mercies for each new day!
Great is His faithfulness-how amazing is His love!
His workmanship in the tapestry of my life and heart, is taking this lifeless, drab pile of threads, and turning that mess into something beautiful. And the best part-He isn't finished yet.
All glory and honor and power to the Lord God, forever, and ever.

"We are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are like filthy rags; we all fade as the leaf, and our iniquities like the wind have taken us away...now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand."

Isaiah 64:6&8

True Colors

Everybody has them; those little things that the outside world rarely sees-but your family knows all too well! The little things that you so, that seem so wacky that people would automatically be put off.
Convictions that are countercultural; that, when explained, the listener gets a glazed over look in their eyes or is automatically offended.
Fashion choices AND preferences that may not be up to date or considered stylish, that stand out from the too-tight pants or revealing tops so prevalent in today's culture.
Or even may be different than your circle of friends fashion.
The hopes and dreams bound tightly to your heart of hearts that are different from your peers, you hesitate to bring them up or enthuse about them.
The things that make you excited, sentimental, reflective, driven, resolved......

*****

How many people see these things hidden inside of us.....of me, I wonder.
Our heart of hearts...my true colors?

What keeps us holding back our real heart, putting up a facade, a mask, a wall of distance from living unashamedly, whole-heartedly, true to who the Lord, our Creator, has called us to be?

Fear of man, plain and simple.

Fear of being rejected,

Ignored

Judged

Criticized

Every minute of every day in every facet of our lives is a battle.
A battle between good and evil.
This word picture may not be 100% sound, but a little devil sitting on one shoulder, and your conscience on the other.
The little devil is ourself; our fallen nature that wars against the Holy Spirit, who calls us to sacrifice ourselves daily-minutely, to the One who sacrificed His all so that we may be saved from ourselves!

*****

I second guess myself, even when I hit the 'Publish Post' button at the bottom of the screen, or send a portion of a story to a new friend...wondering if what I want to 'do' after graduation is good enough....if I should start looking into a career to fall back on, to be prepared for the future...what will people think of me?!

Many times, lack of peace about convictions or decisions can be a check in your spirit from the Lord, but in my case oh, so often...after I sing, "take my life and let it be, all for You and for Your glory," I take it right back again.

Not sacrificing my life, my soul, my all that His love so amazing, so divine, demands.

"You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents-burning, purification and separation for only one purpose-the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed towards God."

Oswald Chambers-My Utmost for His Highest, February 6th

Our worth and confidence can only be found in the Him, and nothing that we've ever done for ourselves, but what Jesus Christ accomplished for us. A fact so beautiful that my heavenly Father is revealing and refining in me day by day, as He prunes off the thick layers of selfish concern with what others think, comparing myself to others, in short: my pride.

"By the grace of God I am what I am."

1 Corinthians 15:10

"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it."

Philipians 1:6

My Thick Skull

This new/upcoming season of life has me boggled at times!
Sometimes I think I'm fine with who I am, my passions, and God-given gifts......and then I face decisions, or am thrust out of my comfortable nook around people I've never met before, or 'older' (which is equated with 'scary' in my mind!) people, who I then fear are judging me for my appearance (i.e: "Ugh, she is so grossly overweight...that outfit is so blah") and furthermore....
Never mind-I think you get how my strange mind works.
Sara, Mum and I went to a wonderful surprise party for a dear friend today.
As we rushed around making sure we had the cupcakes, the presents, cards, purses and coats, I didn't have time to scarcely glance in the mirror or start criticizing my appearance, or bemoan what I should've accomplished before leaving, yada yada yada.
I smiled in anticipation in celebrating dear Morgan's 17th birthday with a surprise party, getting to see her beautiful hope chest she had recently received from her grandfather, seeing their dear family and a few more of my friends!
I reflected back to the note I had written her to go along with my present; the common hopes we shared, the laughter and past times of fellowship the Lord has so richly blessed me with!
And before I knew it-we arrived! Early, thank goodness, if only by 5 minutes! And then a dear friend pulled up in front of us with her mom-one of Mum's friends! And then another, and another...until all the guests had arrived.
Probably about half the young women/Titus 2 women who were invited to the party I had never met before; the general atmosphere before the birthday girl arrived was quite amiable and festive as we all eagerly awaited to surprise our mutual friend Morgan and shower her with hugs and "happy birthday's."
All of my life, the Lord's been pounding many lessons thru my thick skull-in layers! It takes so long, for me to realize that I am wrong, and He is right...in simple terms, I am so prideful and often struggle with self-focus.
Especially in social situations...I've always been quite shy, and struggled with talking to other people my own age...girls were hard but boys....yeah, I'm not even going there!
I always waited for people to come up to ME and introduce themselves...never even considering saying, "Hi, I'm Meghan" as Mum often encouraged me to, with a big smile gracing my face to boot.
I would often be found nervously looking around the room, blushing furiously, in a corner by myself; or even worse-right. behind. Mum as she talked to her friends.
By the grace of God (not said flippantly!) I was standing next to two girls I had never met before in my life, two beautiful, smiling girls who were dressed quite fashionably and modestly...and I smiled and said, "Hi, I'm Meghan."
Tammy and Paige-two of eight children, quickly became good friends this afternoon as Sara and I found out we four had a lot in common! Not to mention having the lovely Whitlock girls-Caelyn and Morgan as mutual friends.
What if I had been so self-conscious, only sticking close to friends I had known for so many years, that I didn't even glance at anybody else at the party?
None of my efforts can thwart God's plan, and His strength is certainly made perfect through my weakness, as evidenced today. I may have missed meeting two other sisters in Christ; two girls who clearly love the Lord and His word-and that alone is the foundation of friendship.
The Lord is so faithful-and I am so thankful for His love and His ceaseless grace through these lessons He grows me in through the years.
All in spite of my thick skull...my pride...my inward focus...my 'shyness' (for me, a nice word that means self-centered)...and my judgmental spirit.
There's a small sign hanging in our kitchen that says,

"God sees us as we can be, but loves us as we are."